How do I Celebrate Dyngus Day with Those Idiots?
This is a question that nearly everyone asks at some point. There's
nothing to be ashamed of. There are no dumb questions--only dumb people.
I know this one guy who thought it would be a good idea to do jello shots out of
a tuba and he...oops...I digress.
Preparing for Dyngus Day
Thr first thing you should do is find out how old you are. If you don't
know you can ask your folks. If they don't know, there's a way you can
find out from checking your driver's license. There's a number on there
call the DOB. The DOB is government code that they use to find out how old
you are. It's three numbers. Take those numbers to a smart friend
and ask them to put the numbers in a calculator. If you don't have any
smart friends, go to the store and try to buy some beer. If the person at
the register says you can't, then it means that you can't go to Dyngus Day
parties until you're older. You gotta be 21 or older to party-down with
the Idiots. In other words you gotta be one of these ages:
21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40,
41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60,
61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80,
81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, or 99.
If you're more than that you can also come if you're feeling up to it.
It's easy for us to remember when Dyngus Day is because it's always the day
after the Easter Bunny comes. If that didn't happen someone would have to
remind us that day before. You can use the same method to remember when
Dyngus Day is. Easter happens at the end of Lint when everyone goes to
fish frys every friday. I got a calendar and I circled
Monday, APRIL
5th. That's when Dyngus Day happens. Also when you go to
thoseidiots.com, it tells you how many days to Dyngus Day. If you have a smart
friend, have the set that page as your HOME PAGE so you don't forget. When
it says "0 Days til Dyngus Day, then you're ready to proceed. If it says
"-1 days to Dyngus Day" it means you missed it and you have to wait a whole
nother year consumed by misery and regret and also they need to update the site.
After you eat your chocolate and jelly beans is a good time to start preparing
for Dyngus Day. If you're one of the ages above, you should drink a beer
at this time. Polish beer is the best. They're the ones with red and
white labels on them. If there's a skull and crossbones, don't drink it
because it's poison. You shouldn't drink poison.
The Big Day (Dyngus Day)
On Dyngus Day day, call-in sick to work. If you don't have a job, you
can skip this step.
It important to dress nice for Dyngus Day if you're looking to hook-up with a
nice polish girl or guy (hey, we're not here to judge you). Comfortable
shoes will allow you to polka without falling down. Other clothes should
be worn too. I've found that if you put your underware on first, then the
pants, THEN the shoes, it's alot easier and you won't rip your pants.
Maybe I should have mentioned the pants first in case people are following these
directions as they read them. Oh well. It's too late now because my
computer doesn't have a fix-it button. Oh, yeah. Wear a shirt too.
It can be removed later if you're so inclined. If you're a girl, then
removing your shirt can make you very popular. Especially if you shaved
your armpits. If it's cold out, you can add a jacket and it will make you
warmer.
Now that you're dressed, you are ready to go to Dyngus Day. First there's
a
parade. It starts on the
corner of Broadway and Fillmore and
then goes down Fillmore and ends at the Buffalo Central Terminal. This is likely
the first glimpse you will get of Those Idiots. It's really exciting and
sometimes they play "Who Stole the Kieshka" and throw candy into the crowd.
I heard that one year they wanted to throw beer into the crowd but the police
wouldn't let them. I guess that's for the better because I wouldn't want
anyone to get hit in the head with a beer. And some of the beer could
spill too. Anyways when you see the Idiots shout "We love you!" and "You
guys are awesome!" and "Woooooooo!" and stuff like that. They seem to like
that.
Then after that you should get to the
Central Terminal. That's the
first place where the Idiots play. They have food there and beer too.
After all that parade watching, you'll be thirsty. When the Idiots start
playing, you should start polkaing. Polkaing is really easy. You hop
around and yell "Hey!" alot.
Don't over polka yourself yet. There's still alot more to do.
Grab some food and eat it. Pierogis provide the energy that you will need
to continuing polkaing into the wee hours. If you don't have the Those
Idiots - I Wanna Rock-n-Roll All Night and Polka Every Day CD, you should buy
one now. They say the supplies are limited to the number they're able to
sell.
Those Idiots perform their main event show at 10. That's the one you
REALLY want to be at! Make your way outside the Terminal to the huge tent
in Pussywillow park. When the crowd starts chanting ID-I-OTS! you know the
time is getting close. Get ready to Polka like you've never polkaed
before! And if you've never polkaed before, get ready to polka for the
first time.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mojo Merglowski is an Idiot.